


Asshole Cat Syndrome

by phoenixyfriend



Series: Keith's Kitty Ears [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (as humor though not as drama), (he's homoromantic asexual), Aromantic Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Asexual Keith (Voltron), Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cardistry, Cards Against Humanity, Cat Ears, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fluff, Galra Keith (Voltron), Game Night, Gay Keith (Voltron), M/M, Memes, Miscommunication, Multi, Needles, POV Keith (Voltron), Pansexual Hunk (Voltron), Pining Keith (Voltron), Romantic Comedy, Sassy Pidge | Katie Holt, Sexual Anhedonia, Shapeshifting, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Texan Keith (Voltron), Threesome - M/M/M, Trans Hunk (Voltron), Ventilation Shaft Spelunking, fear of needles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10050227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixyfriend/pseuds/phoenixyfriend
Summary: Keith was a little more comfortable receiving physical affection in his Galra form than in his human one, which should have, in some way, made it easier to flirt with Hunk and Lance.However, it may have been a better ideanotto follow Shiro's advice.





	1. The Plan

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself this was going to be about five thousand words. Just a silly little sequel to "A Crystal Moment."
> 
> The current word count on my computer is 13K and climbing, so I decided to split it up into three chapters. I'd have gone by word count, but I couldn't end this chapter any earlier, so... the middle chapter will probably be shorter than the others.

“Shiro, I need some help.”

This was how it started.

“I don’t know how to flirt.”

This was the problem.

“Well, I might have some advice.”

This was the solution that just made things weird.

Keith lay on his back on Shiro’s bed, hugging a pillow to his chest and glaring at the ceiling. “How do you even make it clear that you want to start a three-way relationship with two of your teammates? Is there a manual for that sort of thing? Or do I just… see if I can seduce one, and then the other?”

“Keith, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you only ever seem to draw in admirers when you aren’t trying,” Shiro told him, doing one-armed push-ups on the floor like the overachiever he was. “Also, mind sitting on my back? I need some resistance.”

“No, fuck you. I’m _pining_.”

Shiro snorted. “Do you want that advice or not? Because I do have a plan for you that could actually work. It would be a strange plan, but it would nonetheless probably work.”

“Just tell me, then.”

“I need a weight,” Shiro insisted.

Keith turned over and off the bed and huffed as he stood up. “Why are you like this?”

“You agreed that I’m basically your older brother. I’m just fulfilling the role.”

Keith rolled his eyes and walked over to carefully sit on Shiro’s back, pulling his legs up into a criss-cross shape. “So, that plan?”

Shiro continued with his push-ups, not even out of breath. “Well, it relies on the crystal.”

Keith made a face. “You want me to go Galra around them?”

“Well, at its very basic level, it would make it easier to normalize physical contact with them, even on just a platonic level. You don’t exactly _avoid_ it the way you used to, but you’re not one to initiate hugs or whatever, so going Galra and getting in those cuddles? Useful.”

“I don’t really think they’d believe it if I just started doing that, though. They’d be suspicious.” Keith said, poking at Shiro’s head with his big toe.

“Stop that, and don’t you want them to be suspicious?” Shiro let out a low hiss of breath as he almost overbalanced. “Anyway, that’s where the second, slightly more embarrassing part of the plan comes in.”

“Should I be worried?”

“I call it Asshole Cat Syndrome.”

Keith was silent for a few moments. “Okay, I’m going to need a bit more of an explanation than that.”

“Cats are assholes,” Shiro began. “All of them, to one degree or another. I love cats, and I am entirely willing to say that many of them are also sweethearts. Nonetheless, they tend to have asshole-ish qualities.”

“And you want me to… emulate some of them?” Keith made a face. “While in Galra form?”

“I mean, it would make things easier. Some of it wouldn’t even really be emulating cats, just ensuring that your natural prickliness shine through a bit more.”

Keith shifted his weight to the side, just enough to send the both of them toppling to the ground.

“Oops,” he said, entirely unrepentant.

“I expected better out of you,” Shiro said, shaking his head.

“I’m not sure what gave you that impression, but I’m going to have to fix it,” Keith told him. “But seriously, what kind of behavior _are_ you talking about? Because I’m not going to just randomly knock things to the ground.”

“Nah, but you know what cats do? They get in the way.” Shiro sat up, a forearm resting on one raised knee, hand gesturing. “You could be doing anything from watching your favorite show to frantically writing your dissertation, and they will crawl into your lap or across your keyboard and demand your attention. Just sit on you and stare until you pet them. Maybe yowl a bit, if you take too long.”

Keith made a face. “I’m not yowling.”

“I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have to, given Lance’s reaction to those ears,” Shiro said, “And then, once you’re finally engrossed in petting them, enjoying it almost as much as they are, they get up and leave. You are no longer interesting.”

“…I don’t think I’ll be _able_ to leave, though. The petting feels nice.” Keith admitted.

Shiro shrugged. “Then just do the first part. Get in the way when it isn’t too big of a deal. Like if Lance or Hunk is talking to Pidge in the living room or whatever? Just sit down on or next to them and stare until he starts petting you. Go into the kitchen while Hunk is cooking and take a single bite and leave. Drape yourself on Lance’s back while he’s sewing, so he doesn’t have to stop working but he’s still constantly aware that you’re there.”

“This sounds like a terrible plan,” Keith informed him.

“Do you have a better idea?”

o.o.o.o.o

The Petting Incident on the Balmera headed off a lot of self-hatred that could have arisen from Keith’s alternate form before it could really set in in the first place.

He stared at the little Balmera crystal, just a few inches long and not even a single inch wide, sitting in his drawer and glowing. He took a deep breath, picked it up, and turned to face the mirror.

It wasn’t very different from the process he’d seen on the datapad, but it was strange to see it happening in the full-length mirror that his room provided. He shook his head and dropped the crystal into his pocket, letting the transformation recede until he was fully human again. He had to _find_ one of the others, first.

Lance, he found in the common area, sketching something on the table, white pages scattered around him.

So… get in the way, catch his attention, but not so much that you irritate him more than you endear yourself to him.

Keith made a face as he remembered Shiro’s instructions.

Okay, so… Lance was right-handed. If Keith sat down on his left, and either leaned against Lance or lay down in his lap, then Lance would be able to continue drawing with minimum discomfort without being able to entirely forget about Keith being there.

He slipped a hand into his pocket and grabbed for the Balmera crystal. He felt the changes come across him, and took a deep breath. Lance still hadn’t noticed him, too engrossed in his work.

Keith walked into the room with… not _confidence_ , not really, but an air like he had an expectation that he would not be challenged. Not _I own this_ but _I belong here_.

Lance jolted out of his thoughts as Keith sat down next to him, scrambling to catch his pencil before it fell to the ground. He looked up with something between a pout and a glare.

“Don’t _scare_ me like that,” he said. Belatedly, he noticed something rather important. “You’re Galra right now.”

“I know.”

Lance seemed to be expecting more than that as an explanation, though that tell-tale sparkle from before was making its way back into his eyes every time he glanced up towards the ears. Keith blinked slowly, expression giving nothing away.

Keith was panicking. He hadn’t quite planned this part. Just… he had to focus on Shiro’s dumb plan. Asshole Cat Syndrome, right?

He grabbed Lance’s free hand, put it on his own head, and then flopped over into Lance’s lap, studiously looking out towards the rest of the room instead of up at one of his crushes. As an afterthought, he pulled his legs up onto the couch before they could go to sleep because he was bending strangely.

He waited, one ear flicking up and back towards Lance like it would change whether or not he heard Lance’s response.

“Huh. Okay.” Lance almost laughed, then leaned forward to keep working. His left hand rubbed the area behind Keith’s ears, and while it was slower, softer, and altogether less focused than at the Balmera, it was still nice. His eyes fluttered shut, and he couldn’t stop the soft smile on his face that accompanied the purring and the sudden flood of endorphins.

“Fuck, you’re adorable,” Lance muttered. His pencil scratched across the papers on the desk. “Seriously, I’d probably cuddle you for hours when you’re like this, if I wasn’t so sure you’d try to stab me as soon as it was over.”

“Wouldn’t stab you,” Keith assured him, even if it was a little mumbled. “Feels nice.”

“I’ll remember that for when I’m not busy, then,” Lance said, then focused in on his drawings again. The hand on Keith’s head continued its lazy circling, and Keith found himself a little embarrassed by how much _easier_ it was to trust and relax like this.

Lance’s hand moved down to scratch the back of Keith’s neck, and he huffed a little at that. It wasn’t like he hadn’t already made a fool of himself like this, so why not add one more embarrassment to the pile?

“Sorry, dude. It’s easier on my hand this way.”

Keith just curled up a little further. Whatever.

He fell asleep before Lance stopped petting him, and stayed there for hours.

o.o.o.o.o

Keith buried his face into a pillow and screamed.

“You okay there?” Shiro asked from the doorway, arms crossed as he leaned against a wall.

“What does it look like?” Keith spat, dropping the pillow.

“It looks like you’re very frustrated.”

“I’m a moron. I can’t believe I just… gah!” Keith pressed a hand to either side of his head and hissed. It wasn’t a fake cat hiss, just a human hiss between teeth, built of _pure frustration_. “I asked Pidge, just now, how many endorphins the petting releases. The answer is a fuckton, Shiro. _A quiznak-ton_.”

“I’m not sure you’re using that word right.”

“I don’t care! I just… yeah, it makes me more relaxed, but it’s also going to make me more attached and shit, right? Since endorphins make you feel more tied to the person doing the petting? And if they don’t reciprocate, then _that’s_ just a recipe for disaster, Shiro!”

“You know, I’m pretty sure it releases endorphins and whatnot in the person doing the petting, too,” Shiro said, looking utterly unruffled and not a little amused by Keith’s plight.

“Yeah?”

“Yep.”

“Huh.” Keith stared at the wall at the foot of his bed, not really seeing it. “So… it could work.”

“Hey, have a little faith in me, okay? I know it sounds silly and embarrassing, but I really do have your best interests in mind with the Asshole Cat Syndrome plan.”

“Do you have to keep calling it that?”

“Not really, but I don’t quite care enough to stop.” Shiro smiled, bright and sunny. “So, next plan?”

Keith frowned. “…no crystal this time.”

o.o.o.o.o

Hunk tended to welcome people into his cooking space, and even let them have samples as he was cooking, so long as the food was safe. He grinned at Keith when he entered the kitchen, something that Keith didn’t actually bother trying to deny sent butterflies through his stomach.

Oh, there were little bits of food on the table. Diced vegetables of some sort. Perfect.

“These safe?” He asked, pointing down at them.

“Yeah, but I’m using them for a soup, so try not to…” Hunk trailed off as Keith, without breaking eye contact, reached out and plucked up one of the tiny cubes.

He popped it in his mouth and started chewing. It was… a bit like a cross between carrots and squash. Not bad, and small enough to make quick work of.

He maintained eye contact with Hunk as he slowly reached out and took another vegetable cube.

He ate that one, too.

“Keith?” Hunk asked, drawing the word out and taking a slow step forward. “You okay?”

Keith blinked slowly at him. “Just peachy.”

He took another diced veggie piece, and tossed it into his mouth.

Not once did he look away from Hunk.

“I… kind of need those for the soup.”

Keith paused, made a show of looking down at the tiny cubes, and then back up at Hunk.

He didn’t break eye contact as he took one more, and ate that too.

He turned around and left.

Hunk didn’t say anything, but Keith was pretty sure he was staring.

o.o.o.o.o

Keith’s frustrated pillow screams were even louder this time. This could, at least partially, be blamed on Shiro’s laughter.

“Why did I do that?” Keith asked, after he finally stopped screaming into his pillow. “Why did I think that was a good idea?”

“I’m sure it’ll work out fine, Keith.”

“It’s your fault I thought that was a good idea. Oh my god. I almost knocked something off the counter just because I was panicking so much inside. He must think I’m a total jackass now.”

“Nah, just a little weird,” Shiro assured him. “And, well, it’ll certainly make him pay more attention?”

Keith gave him the driest look he could manage. “No more Asshole Cat Syndrome today.”

“Yeah, maybe give it a few days.”

o.o.o.o.o

During dinner, Shiro had to repeatedly cover his smile as he watched Keith try to ignore Hunk’s concerned looks.

This was, after all, his fault. He couldn’t be seen _laughing_ at Keith’s misfortune.

o.o.o.o.o

Just a few days later, Lance declared a game night after training, insisting that he’d meet everyone in the officers’ lounge they’d discovered a few weeks ago, after they finished with their showers and whatnot. That way they could all get clean and settled while he brought in the cobbled-together game pieces he’d been putting together recently.

Keith wondered if _that_ was what Lance had been drawing when Keith had commandeered his lap. It was entirely likely, but he’d been too nervous about the situation to pay attention at first, and too drowsy afterwards.

He was one of the first done, tied only with Shiro, and that meant he had time to get out the Balmera crystal and consider if it was really a good idea to do this today.

It… was technically a time to relax. That was why Lance had decided to get all this prepared.

Keith picked up the crystal and shoved it into his pocket before he could change his mind. He headed out the door, and turned for the stairs that would take him to the newly-cleaned, ten-thousand-year-old officers’ lounge.

“Keith!”

He paused and turned towards Hunk’s door, which was just barely cracked open, with the boy himself looking out the door.

“Yeah?”

“Could you do me a favor? I think I left my binder down in laundry room. I don’t wear it during training, so I didn’t realize until after my shower,” Hunk said with a grimace. “I’d go get it myself, but—”

“It’s fine,” Keith waved it off. “I’m already done, and I was just about to head for the lounge, so I didn’t have anything better to do anyway.”

“Thanks, dude.”

“No problem.”

He jogged down to the laundry area and rifled through the whites and cottons, keeping track of the feeling of the fabric running through his fingers. Waiting for the odd stiffness of the binder was probably going to be a faster way to find it than just looking.

“Uh… what are you doing?”

Keith looked back over his shoulder to see Pidge.

“Hunk forgot something and asked me if I could come get it for him since I was done faster.” Just as he finished speaking, his hand closed on what he was fairly certain was Hunk’s binder. “Aaaand I found it. What are you doing down here?”

“Just wanted to make sure you weren’t trying to skip out on game night. Lance would whine forever if you ditched.” Pidge shrugged, tucking her hands into her pockets. “If you’re really just doing Hunk a favor, though, then I’m not seeing a problem.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Keith muttered, avoiding her eyes as they started heading back towards the bedrooms.

Did they all really think he was going to do something like that?

“Hey,” Pidge said after a moment. “I just meant that you… need alone time a little more often than the others. And we’re willing to give it, just… you know, this game night is kind of important to Lance. Sometimes you skip dinner or whatever when you can’t people anymore, and I _get_ that. It’s not that I think you’d ditch the team during something that means a lot to the others, just… I don’t know. That you might not realize how much it means? Or that you might be underestimating how much we’re willing to accommodate your needs on that end? I don’t know. Just forget I said anything, I guess.”

And now the air was all tense and awkward.

Keith considered his knowledge of how Pidge tended to interact with the other members of the team, the ones she knew better than him. Lance was the closest parallel to Keith himself, and in that case…

Keith smiled and lightly hip-checked Pidge.

She let out a little “ooph,” noise, stumbling, and then turned to gape at him.

His tiny smile fell away. “Was that not okay? I’ve seen you and Lance sometimes—”

“You owe me a piggy-back ride,” she said.

“…What?”

“You had something hard in your pocket, and I felt it when you hip-checked me. It hurt, even if that part was probably an accident, so you owe me a piggy-back ride.” She crossed her arms and nodded imperiously.

Keith frowned. “Are… are you mad?”

“Nope! But you owe me a piggy-back ride.”

Keith gave her the damn piggy-back ride.

He knocked on Hunk’s door. “I found it!”

“And I found him!” Pidge added.

“Don’t yell in my ear!” Keith griped, letting go of one of Pidge’s legs to rub at his ear. It was the hand with Hunk’s binder, so he didn’t have to fumble around to hand it over once the door cracked open again.

“So… Pidge is making you give her a—”

“Yep.”

“Well… have fun, I guess? I’ll be down in a few minutes.” Hunk gave them a small wave as he shut the door.

Keith hesitated.

“You’re carrying me up,” Pidge informed him.

“…yeah, okay.”

o.o.o.o.o

Pidge and Keith took seats next to each other on the couch, and Keith was a little relieved to note that everyone else was already set up in a way that meant Hunk would almost definitely be taking the remaining couch seat, right next to Keith.

Lance was on the floor, preparing to explain the games, while Coran had an armchair. Shiro and Allura were apparently opting to share a two-seater.

“Hunk!” Pidge called as he made his way in, waving her arm in the air. “Over here, you’re with us.”

“The room isn’t all that full, Pidge. I’m pretty sure he could have figured it out.” Lance didn’t look up from his handmade games as he spoke.

“Nah, it’s cool,” Hunk said, swerving around Shiro and Allura’s loveseat and plopping down next to Keith. He leaned forward to look at the table and rubbed his hands together. “So, what are we playing first?”

“Okay, so,” Lance paused, looking around the table one last time, as though to make sure he had everything. “I’ve got two decks of normal cards, so we can do poker or blackjack or bullshit, and the boards and pieces for Sorry!, chess, and checkers. I’ve also made a set of cards for Apples to Apples, and a more risqué set for Cards Against Humanity, and I’d have done Monopoly, but I don’t remember all the rules, and I don’t want us trying to kill each other.”

“Poker might take too long to explain,” Shiro said, “and I don’t think we have anything to bet.”

“I made chips for that, and most games would be too difficult to explain quickly, you’re right. But you know what isn’t?” Lance grinned and turned to face Keith. “Texas Hold ‘Em.”

Of course. Of _course_.

Keith opened his mouth to say something, considered, and then nodded. “It’s been a while since I played, but I’m sure I can kick your ass.”

“Right back at ya, mullet.”

“Oh boy,” Hunk muttered.

o.o.o.o.o

Lance had used the lions as the Queen for each suit, and the Paladins as the King. Black and Shiro were there as the Jokers, while the Jacks were the Bayards.

“That’s…actually pretty clever,” Keith admitted.

Allura’s stylized face stared up at them from the back of one set of cards, and Coran’s did the same from the other.

King Alfor, Rover, the Castle’s silhouette, and a Blade of Marmora sigil were used on the poker chips, a number on the reverse of each.

“Pidge helped me make them,” Lance said with a shrug.

o.o.o.o.o

Lance was a better player than Keith expected. Neither of them were as good as Shiro or Pidge, but Shiro was too busy helping Allura understand the rules, and Pidge was helping Coran. They’d have it down on their own in a few rounds, especially since Lance had somehow made laminated charts of how much each hand was worth, but poker was always a hard game to grasp at first.

“Check,” Lance said, rapping on the table with his knuckles. “Ready to admit your bluff, Texas?”

“Ready to admit yours?” Keith asked back, not in the mood to come up with something wittier.

“Your poker face isn’t as good as you think,” Lance told him. “I mean, you have plenty of luck and a decent grasp of strategy, but your face is an open book to someone like me.”

Keith leaned back and raised an eyebrow, because that was definitely not something anyone had ever accused him of before. “That so.”

“Yeeeeup.” Lance leaned forward and gave him a cheesy grin.

“…fine, then.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out the Balmera crystal, making a show of stuffing it up his jacket sleeve, where it could press to his skin without the risk of falling out.

Lance gaped as the change overcame Keith. “You _cheater_.”

“Nowhere in the rules does it say that a competitor isn’t allowed to obscure their features by changing the species that they present as,” Keith said, grinning. “Enough of a challenge for you, _Lance?_ ”

Lance’s expression hardened. “Oh, you are _on._ ”

Keith found it just a little hilarious that he could distract Lance from the game just by _twitching his ears_ , something that lead to Lance trying juggle his “stars in eyes because cute” tendencies with the _driving need to win_.

Poker ended once Shiro got back into playing properly, taking advantage of Lance and Keith’s total focus on each other and Pidge’s overall disinterest to quietly dominate the table.

o.o.o.o.o

“But why is it called ‘Cards Against Humanity’?” Allura asked, frowning down at the stack of black and white cards.

“Because the original creators designed the game with one goal: to make the most awful, most gallows-humor, darker-than-death jokes on the planet acceptable in at least one setting,” Pidge said.

“…really?”

“Nah, it’s supposed to be a grown-up version of Apples to Apples. It’s just that Cards Against Humanity has a lot of politically incorrect content, so they play the name off of the phrase ‘crimes against humanity.’ I’m hoping Lance got rid of the once that were nasty ‘cause of bigotry and just left the weird or violent ones. Did you?” Pidge said, watching Lance shuffle his cards.

“Yeah, I had to make these from scratch, so… they’re probably not as funny as you’re used to? But I managed to work in some fun and not-so-fun references to stuff we’ve done so far, so that should be interesting, at least?”

Keith glanced down at the cards in his hand, which included “Sendak’s Sen-dick,” “gayliens,” and “purple space Thranduil.”

…he kind of wondered how many of these Lance had managed to come up with, and how much he’d bribed Pidge to include an Altean translation beneath each one, and how the wordplay was working out.

He also kind of wanted to know why “Southern Mother-Fucking Democratic Republicans” was a card, but that sounded like the sort of thing that would only raise more questions in the long run.

o.o.o.o.o

“Your sense of humor is… very different from the Altean kind,” Allura said, as they started nearing the edge of the box.

“Well, this game is built on dark humor and satire,” Lance said. “It’s not day-to-day humor. It’s ‘what’s the most horrifying yet funny thing I can say that won’t lead to me getting stabbed’ humor.”

“Yeah, it’s a game of how far you can go without crossing a line,” Hunk said. “Or how many times you can cross it before it gets to be offensive again.”

“It’s the kind of game you play with friends whose boundaries you know and whose sense of humor you share, and around whom you don’t have to worry about sharp objects,” Shiro rounded off cheerfully.

“Which is why I’m still worried, since we didn’t confiscate Keith’s knife,” Lance tossed in. “Honestly, I thought he actually _was_ going to stab me after that one play.”

“You played a card that was literally just ‘fucking Texas, man.’ What was I supposed to do, when I know that you not only played, but also _designed_ the card?” Keith asked, though he was pretty sure almost everyone could tell that there wasn’t any real heat to it.

“I do have a question,” Allura said, frowning down at one of her cards. “I do not know what this word means. I believe it’s another one of the creatures or people that cannot be translated.”

“Let’s see it,” Lance said, gesturing her to show the card to the table. They’d offer her a new one if she decided she didn’t want to play with a card everyone had already seen.

Keith looked down at the card with everyone else.

_Bees?_

“Oh my god,” Pidge said, just before she started cackling. “Oh my _god_ , Lance, you _memelord_.”

“It’s the oldest joke in the pack! A Cards Against Humanity classic!” Lance protested. “I couldn’t _not_ include it.”

“Bees are small, flying insects from Earth,” Shiro started explaining. “Typically black and yellow, they do a lot of pollination and live in hives, and they’re considered somewhat dangerous because they can sting you. The poison isn’t deadly unless you’re allergic, but it is a little painful.”

“According to all known laws of aviation,” Hunk began, and Keith groaned, because even _he_ knew where this was going. Pidge and Lance joined in without hesitation. “There is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”

“They’re quoting a movie,” Keith explained, once he saw Coran and Allura’s confusion, ignoring the somehow-continuing monologue from the trio around him. “An old movie, which was… actually called ‘The Bee Movie’ and kind of became a meme.”

“It was the meme-est of times, it was the—”

“Enough,” Shiro said, but there was a smile on his face. The order wasn’t in his pilot voice, or his paladin voice. It was his Space Dad voice.

“Fine, _Dad_ ,” Lance said, whining exaggeratedly. “Okay, okay, okay, let’s play the rest of the box out and see who won.”

Pidge won, to almost no one’s surprise. Shiro came close, but his penchant for the deadpan and depressing just didn’t quite measure up to Pidge’s endless sarcasm.

“I am the Queen of asshole humor.”

“It’s because she’s so short,” Lance confided to them in a stage whisper. “It means she’s closer to hell.”

She threw one of the chess pieces at him. They erupted into bickering, leaning across the table to poke at each other.

Keith tried to hide his fond smile and, after a moment, realized that not only was trying to hide the smile unnecessary, but it was the perfect opportunity to try to get Hunk to… well, to pet him.

(Hopefully the move would seem as random and sudden as the thought was to him.)

 _Asshole Cat Syndrome_ , he told himself. He just had to act like this was normal.

So… uh…

Keith turned around, grabbed Hunk’s hand, and placed it on his own head, much like he’d done with Lance a few days earlier.

He kept staring at Hunk, trying to make his expression something closer to ‘expectant’ than to ‘nervous.’

“Um,” Hunk glanced up at where his hand was resting on Keith’s head, and then back down at yellow Galra eyes. Tentatively, he rubbed behind the ears.

Keith smiled, enough for people to notice and representative of his actual feelings of relief, but not so wide that anyone would be suspicious, and turned and leaned against Hunk’s side. He molded himself against the wall of fat and muscle under Hunk’s arm, and focused his eyes on the table in the middle of the room.

He pretended he didn’t see the stares he’d garnered during this process, and tried to enjoy the fact that Hunk, once he’d started, was very good at rubbing just the right spots to actually make Keith relax again.

“…And we’ve lost Keith,” Lance said. “You gonna fall asleep, mullet?”

“Piss off,” Keith muttered, readjusting his position a little so that Hunk’s hand was at a less awkward angle. “I’m allowed to enjoy this.”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t know if you can actually play at all like that,” Lance prodded. “Or Hunk, now.”

“How about Bullshit?” Pidge suggested. “Not too intensive, and he can play half-asleep without our game suffering.”

“That’ll do, yeah. Time to shuffle the cards again!”

“Let’s see…” Pidge said. “Start with the youngest and go counterclockwise? So me, Coran, Lance, Shiro, Allura, Hunk, Keith?”

“I’m pretty sure Hunk and Keith are going to be able to see each other’s cards no matter what,” Shiro pointed out.

“Non-aggression pact,” Keith immediately said, though it was followed by a yawn.

“If you’re still awake by that point,” Pidge snorted. “I’m almost tempted to join you, though. Training actually tired me out way more than I thought.”

“Pidge.” Lance pouted. “Pidge, why you gotta ditch me like this?”

“Get your head out of your ass, we’re—”

“Language,” Shiro interrupted.

“Quiznak you,” Pidge said, without even a beat of hesitation.

“Number Five!” Coran put a hand to his chest, aghast.

“Listen to Space Dad, Pidge,” Keith said, and grinned a little at Shiro’s twitching face.

He was probably torn between thanking Keith for siding with him and reprimanding Keith for calling him Space Dad.

“Don’t be a smartass,” Shiro finally said.

“Wow. Clever.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Lance said, capturing all their attention again. He did something with the cards, twisting his wrists in a truly fascinating manner that resulted in a fairly impressive display of cardistry. “Time to play Bullshit? Yes?”

“What was that?” Coran asked, one hand coming up to tug at his moustache. “Does it aide in the shuffling of the deck?”

“Nah, it just looks cool. It’s called cardistry and it’s supposed to make dealing interesting. Like, the thing I did earlier when I was dealing for poker? That was called a Spring, and it’s a pretty common one. The one I did just now was a two-handed flourish that I never could find out the name of, and _this_ is a LePaul spread, which I like because it looks like magic since people always expect gravity to work more than it does.”

Coran tilted his head as Lance demonstrated the last one, nodding to himself. Shiro and Allura made the appropriate noises to indicate that they were at least somewhat impressed as Lance displayed the move, while the three on the couch stayed quiet for their own reasons.

“I got bored one summer and just picked up a lot of these from YouTube,” Lance admitted, demonstrating a few more flourishes. “It didn’t help me pick up chicks as much as I hoped, but it still looked cool when my family had parties and people wanted to try their hand at gambling. I wasn’t considered old enough to play for real, but they let me be the dealer most of the time.”

“You wanna deal while I explain the rules?” Pidge asked, and then continued talking as Lance started dealing out the deck.

“So it’s partly strategy, and partly your ability to lie your ass off. Luck sort of plays a role, but if you’re good enough at the others, then it doesn’t really matter, which is basically like any other game.”

“Pidge counts cards,” Lance said, his voice sing-song. “Pidge is a _cheater_.”

“Okay, to be fair, Bullshit is a lot easier to swing in your own favor mathematically than poker is,” Pidge whined, flopping over heavily onto Keith. “Keith, buddy, back me up.”

“I’ve only played once before,” Keith admitted. “But it sounds easier to predict what you’ll need against what you have?”

“Thank you!” Pidge said. “Counting cards for bullshit isn’t cheating, it’s _expected_.”

Lance made a face. “Traitors, both of you.”

“I bet Keith could make you take that back,” Pidge said, grinning.

Keith lifted himself a little from Hunk’s lap, ears flicking forward as he looked to Pidge. “What.”

“Pidge?" Lance questioned, his hands stilling despite the fact that there were only a few cards left in the deck. “What do you mean by that?”

Pidge’s grin widened when she looked at Lance, then leaned over to whisper in Keith’s ear.

He pushed her away a little, the whispers just this side of too loud for his Galra ears, but her words were…

“That’s a terrible idea.”

Pidge pouted, crossed her arms, and looked away. “Well, _I_ think it would work.”

“It probably would, but it would also be _humiliating_.”

“Give in to peer pressure, Keith!” Lance goaded. “Or I’ll keep calling you traitor.”

Hunk laughed a little, his movements shaking Keith’s body.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Keith,” Shiro assured him.

 _Fucking watch me_ , Keith thought before he could stop himself. The instinct to ignore any and all ‘suggestions’ from Garrison officers was still a little too deeply ingrained.

He settled for just glancing at Shiro before he did exactly as Pidge suggested.

Keith turned to face forward, leaning over until his face was just a foot or so away from Lance’s. He took a deep breath to steady himself, closing his eyes, because this was so _fucking dumb…_

He let his ears droop as much as possible, pushing his eyebrows together and _up_ , opening his eyes but keeping tension underneath and on the sides, pushing out the bottom lip…

Essentially, he gave the saddest kittyface he could.

Then he whimpered.

Lance shot back, hand to his chest and a look of horrified fascination on his face. “Be still, my heart, because _how the actual fuck._ ”

Pidge was laughing herself sick, unsurprisingly.

“Stop being so cute!” Lance demanded, moaning into his hands, peeking out between his fingers. “Fuck you, I won’t be able to concentrate, you asshole!”

 “That’s the point,” Keith said, letting the expression drop and sitting back up. He crossed his arms and smirked. “Way easier to win if you’re distracted by, uh… these.”

He flicked his ears rapidly, drawing out another annoyed, frustrated-by-the-cute groan from Lance.

Hunk’s arm appeared around Keith’s shoulder and dragged him back into their earlier position. Keith squirmed for a bit, trying to push away, but Hunk’s hand ruffled his ears and that was the end of that.

…Keith felt like he should have probably worried a bit more about how easy it was to get him to settle down just by petting him, but he honestly didn’t care.

“What the _fuck_ ,” Lance whined, dragging his hands down his face. “Stop that. Stop being cute.”

Keith quirked one eyebrow, which was a little more difficult than usual, since his face was fairly lax, eyes quite lidded. “You want me to go back to looking fully human?”

“I mean… I am… I am very torn on this,” Lance frowned, cupping an elbow in one hand and covering his mouth with the other. “I am very torn.”

“What?” Keith prompted.

“I have a weakness for cute things,” Lance said, as though they hadn’t all picked up on that. “And right now part of me wants you to go back to normal so I can focus on the game, while part of me wants to just… squoosh you.”

Keith blinked slowly. “Squoosh,” he repeated.

“It’s a valid word!”

“Ahem,” Allura coughed into her fist. “I believe Shiro and Pidge have adequately explained the rules to myself and Coran while you two were arguing. I’d like to actually move on to the actual game.”

“Sorry,” Keith muttered, though it was drowned out by Lance’s much louder and more dramatic apology.

Pidge fell asleep against Keith’s side fifteen minutes in. Game night was declared over shortly afterwards, though nobody really bothered to leave, just talked lowly and drank until they dozed off as well.


	2. The Execution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Keith continues to attempt to execute Shiro's plan, with a surprising degree of success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part the second. Just one more, folks, and I'm almost done writing it!

Sometime the next day, Keith screamed into a pillow, face down on the bed. He was once again fully human, and fully regretting some of yesterday’s decisions due to how embarrassing they’d been.

“Is he always like this?” Pidge asked, voice audible from the doorway.

“More or less,” Shiro answered. He was probably leaning against the wall just inside the thankfully-closed door again. “You have to let him scream himself out, and then actually ask what’s wrong.”

“Lame,” Pidge decided, and light footsteps made their way over to Keith’s bed. She poked him in the shoulder repeatedly. “Hey, hey, Keith. What’s eating you?”

“Fuck off, Pidge,” Keith muttered, sure that he was mostly inaudible due to the pillow in the way.

“I’m going to sit on you,” she told him, and when that failed to get any reaction, she actually _did_ climb up onto the bed and sit on the small of his back. She started poking the back of his head. “Tell me, Keith. Tell meeeee.”

Keith rolled over, dislodging Pidge so that she landed on the side of the bed against the wall, her legs still lying on his chest and her head thunking lightly against the wall.

He glared at her.

“Tell me,” she repeated.

“I’d do as she says, personally,” Shiro added. The smile on his face was innocent.

(Such bullshit.)

“He called me cute,” Keith said after a long moment. “Repeatedly.”

“Lance?” Pidge questioned. “Okay, yeah, he did. What does that have to do with you screaming?”

“Because he said that me going back to human would make me _stop_ being cute,” Keith explained. “And I can’t figure out if he just means I’d stop being sweet-cute, and I still have a chance of being attractive-cute in his eyes, or if he actually does think I’m ugly as a human.”

“…seriously?” Pidge asked. “Ugh, allo people.”

“Pidge,” Shiro said, his tone warning.

“Lance thinks you’re hot. He’s told me so repeatedly.” Pidge rolled her eyes and poked Keith in the side, earning an annoyed tickle-flinch and a glare. “Besides, you were snuggling up to Hunk, so I figured that was—”

“Both,” Keith cut her off. “I like both.”

He pulled his pillow up and around to slam it down over his face and scream again.

“Wow, okay. Keith, buddy, you are in one hell of a fucking pickle.”

“Language,” Shiro reprimanded.

“Sorry. One heck of a fucking pickle.”

“Pidge!”

“I fixed it, didn’t I?”

Keith couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped him at Pidge and Shiro’s bickering. He lifted the pillow and looked from one to the other, not bothering to try to hide his smile. “Why are you like this?”

“It’s my duty as your older brother,” Shiro said, putting a hand to his chest.

“I’m just a little shit,” Pidge said, blunt and utterly unrepentant.

Keith gave her another glare as he stuffed his pillow back under his head, but even Shiro could tell from the other side of the room that there was no real venom in it.

“Anyway,” Pidge drawled, linking her hands behind her head and leaning back against the wall. “I’m sure those two are going to figure out what you’re doing eventually, or at least get confused enough to ask you or someone else directly. And if they ask me or Shiro, we can nudge them along in the right direction.”

“You sure about that?”

Pidge shrugged. “Lance is a lot smarter than he acts sometimes, no matter how much I play up my annoyance when he’s trying to pretend he’s not as smart as the rest of us. Social dynamics are about as much of a specialty as he has, too. And Hunk isn’t necessarily good with understanding flirting, sure, but he’s smart, too, and he’s going to get curious when pieces don’t match up to what he’s expecting.”

“Basically,” she said, pointing at Keith, “Keep acting weird and they’ll start asking why.”

“Oh, joy, I get to keep making a fool of myself.”

“Okay, but you’re making a fool out of yourself in ways you actually _enjoy_ , to some degree,” Pidge pointed out. “Shiro, back me up here.”

“If the purring is any indication…” Shiro trailed off, but Keith could see him smiling.

“Okay, but… even if they _do_ figure it out, there’s no indication that they’ll like me back. Or that they’d be willing to do something that might ruin _their_ friendship.” Keith made a face.

Pidge winced. “Yeah, okay. That’s probably a bit of a problem.”

Keith didn’t react this time, just glared at the ceiling.

“I’m sure there’s a solution that’ll leave everyone happy,” Shiro said, as though it wasn’t going to sound like a massively empty reassurance.

“Well, okay, here’s one question,” Pidge said. “What are you hoping to get out of a relationship?”

Keith shrugged. “I don’t… know?”

“C’mon, you gotta have something in mind,” Pidge prodded. “Sex, cuddles, kisses, what?”

Keith wrinkled his nose. “I mean… if they _want_ to have sex, I guess I’d go with it? But it just sounds like a hassle. Kissing…”

He felt a blush come across his face and brought his hands up to cover the spreading redness.

“Definitely hoping for something romantic, then,” Pidge laughed. “Though your thing about sex being a hassle, care to elaborate?”

Keith shrugged, dropping his hands. “I don’t like the idea enough to do it on my own and it probably wouldn’t be much more or less interesting than just kissing, so all the extra effort would just be unnecessary?”

Pidge frowned. “Wait.”

“…I’m waiting?” Keith said, as soon as it became clear that Pidge wasn’t going to immediately continue.

“I have some questions that _might_ come across as overly intrusive or personal, but I want to figure something out.” Pidge sat up a little straighter. “Okay, so you aren’t interested in sex.”

“I’m not.”

“Is it safe to assume you don’t find yourself sexually attracted to people?”

“I guess?”

“And so the libido is just… not there? Or you just masturbate it away?”

Keith felt his face twist into something disgusted. “Pidge, you’re a little young to be asking that.”

“There are people getting _pregnant_ at my age, Keith. I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to be aware of what libido and masturbation are.”

Keith glared at the ceiling, hiding his growing discomfort. “I sometimes get morning wood, and I can get rid of it by masturbating, but it’s annoying and time consuming, and I hate doing it because there’s no real payoff, just… clean-up to do.”

“Payoff?”

Keith turned away a little, so he wouldn’t have to look at Pidge. “Everyone talks about how an orgasm is supposed to feel like the best thing ever. Mine are just kind of uncomfortable, and sometimes make me sleepy. That’s it.”

“Oh, okay. So you’ve got sexual anhedonia.”

Keith blinked, processing that. He rolled back over to look Pidge in the eye. “What.”

“Sexual anhedonia? It’s reasonably common in asexual people, which is what I’m tentatively reading into your description of your interest in sex and people, unless you’ve already got a label in mind. It’s nothing to worry about, unless you feel like changing it. I’ve got it, too.” Pidge tilted her head. “It means that even when you achieve orgasm, there’s no release of pleasure-related hormones to give you a good feeling. The physical stuff is there, but no pleasure.”

“…it’s a _thing?_ ” Keith gaped. “What?”

“I mean, you’re, what, gay ace?” Pidge prompted. Keith nodded, and she continued, “Okay, so yeah, you have that part down, and asexuality awareness really is a lot higher than it used to be, but people still don’t really know about sexual anhedonia. I mean, you could probably talk to Coran about whether the med bay could find if there’s a deeper issue causing it, since it’s frequently comorbid with a bunch of other stuff, and it _can_ be compensated for if it’s being caused by somethings else, sometimes, but—”

“Pidge,” Shiro said, “Breathe.”

She did.

“As important as this conversation seems to be, I don’t think I should be here for it, considering the subject matter,” Shiro said after a moment. “Come find me if you need me.”

He left, and Keith turned back to Pidge. “So… this is normal?”

“I mean, ish?” Pidge wrinkled her nose. “Let me see if I can explain better…”

o.o.o.o.o

Keith knew that Lance and Hunk were starting to get a little suspicious, at minimum, of the number of times he targeted _them_ in Galra form, as opposed to the rest of the team.

“Keith!”

However, the first person to approach him about _anything_ relating to his Galra form, not counting Pidge and Shiro, was Coran.

Well.

It wasn’t that he _approached_ Keith, so much as he just stuck his head out of the med bay as Keith was passing by, on his way to get a snack from the kitchen.

“What?”

“I’ve been doing a little research in the med bay and speaking with the Blade of Marmora,” Coran said. “And it seems that it would be a good idea to give you an immunization to a number of common Galra diseases.”

“So what, I just sit in one of the pods while you calibrate it to handle the immunization, or what?” Keith asked, following Coran into the med bay as he disappeared. One hand dipped into his own pocket to play with the Balmera crystal. If this was about his Galra genes, then going Galra would probably be helpful.

He slid it up his sleeve to keep it pressed to his skin while leaving his hands free, glancing around the med bay inquisitively. The pods were usually all they needed for injuries, but there was second room, further back and in, that was filled with preventative supplies and care for minor injuries. That was where Coran was headed.

“Not quite, Number Four!” Coran called out the door. “We’ll have to go a bit old-fashioned for this, I’m afraid.”

Keith heard a light clinking noise, and then Coran reappeared within his sights, holding a giant needle.

Keith froze.

He took a step back, Galra ears suddenly lying flat against his head. “No.”

“Keith? Are you alright? I know it looks sharp, but—”

“Not until Pidge confirms that whatever’s in there is safe for me,” Keith said, eyeing the needle and taking a step back.

“Nonsense! I’ve consulted with the Blade of Marmora and with—”

Keith bolted.

“Keith!”

Part of his mind was trying to tell him to calm down, that Coran was a very smart person who had plenty of experience with this sort of thing, and had even contacted people with more information than him.

The rest of his mind was reminding him of the time that Coran had said they had several days left before Sendak arrived, and instead they’d only had a few _hours_.

So Keith didn’t stop running.

“Keith, come back here!”

Keith quickly ran through his options in his head as he sprinted down the hall, Coran running after him. For all that Coran was stronger and more experienced than him, Keith was faster, smaller, and more flexible and agile.

So what he had to do was get somewhere inaccessible to anyone except for himself and maybe Pidge.

He veered towards the bedrooms, hoping he could buy some time by barricading himself into his room. If the door was open, he could sprint right in, but if it wasn’t, he’d have to waste precious time opening it, and he wasn’t _that_ much faster than Coran. He couldn’t afford it, so he’d have to just pass by and look for another option in that case.

He turned the corner and sped down the hallway that had all the bedrooms branching off of it. His own door was closed, but Lance’s was open, and… was that Shiro?

It took Keith half a moment to formulate his plan.

“Shiro, boost!” He yelled.

“Wh—” Shiro looked shocked and a little scared at the sight of Keith, in Galra form, barreling towards him with murder on his face, but nonetheless cupped his hands in front of him. “You’ll hit the—”

“No throw, just a step.” Keith managed to say before he made it, taking a running leap to lodge one foot into Shiro’s hands, and turning his momentum into a crouch that pushed Shiro into the wall a little.

Whatever.

His momentum was bouncing back to push him out now, since Shiro and the wall had provided something to bounce back _from_ , and that meant that he could spring sideways for the ceiling.

“Keith? The fuck are you—”

Keith ignored Lance’s voice, grabbing for the lighting fixtures on Lance’s ceiling, curling his body up into a ball, and using _that_ momentum to turn his feet skyward and kick in the vents.

He still had just enough momentum to slide into the air ducts feet first, finally letting go of Lance’s ceiling lights so he could push himself further in using his hands.

“Keith!” Coran’s voice came, just as Keith made it to a slightly safer spot.

“Coran, what the hell are you— _why do you have a giant needle?_ ” Lance squeaked.

“Keith needs to be immunized against Galra diseases!” Coran explained. “Now, where did he go? I saw him come in here.”

There was a silent moment, during which Keith assumed Lance and Shiro were pointing at the missing vent.

“Ah. I see. Shiro, I don’t suppose you could help me get up there?”

Keith scrambled backwards, the noise of the movement too loud for him to hear the next few words, though he caught the tail end of one sentence from Lance.

“—ieve he parkoured his way into the vents, somehow.”

Coran’s head popped up into the air duct. “Keith. You actually do need to get this shot at some point.”

“I’m not going anywhere _near_ that thing until Pidge can tell me I’m not going to die,” Keith said. “I’ve got enough weird alien bullshit happening on a regular basis.”

He thought for a moment. “Besides, I know you can’t fit in here to chase me. _I_ can barely fit in here, and I’m a lot smaller and more flexible than you are.”

“Keith, you’re being unreasonable. I designed this with input from both the castle’s medical systems and the Blade of Marmora. It’s perfectly safe.”

“Get Pidge to look it over and we’ll talk.” Keith scrambled back a bit further as Coran brought the needle into view. “Besides, you’ve been waving that thing around a lot. Isn’t it too dirty to use now?”

Coran frowned, and Keith kept pushing himself back. It was slow going, but there was a moment where he suddenly felt airflow above his head. He looked up and saw a slightly larger duct than the one he was in, going straight up.

Keith looked back down at Coran.

“I should tell you that that is a _terrible ide—”_

Keith was really glad that his Galra body was even more flexible than his human one. Some claws to dig into the metal would have been nice, but the flexibility was at least good enough for him to twist his way into the duct in a reasonable timeframe, despite the cramped space and the ninety-degree angle.

He climbed out, ignoring when Shiro’s voice replaced Coran’s.

Keith _hated_ needles.

o.o.o.o.o

“So, what have we learned?”

Keith glared up at Shiro, though the expression probably wasn’t as intimidating as he hoped it was. Holding an ice pack to the side of your head tended to do that to a person.

“That Altean ventilation systems are confusing?”

Shiro raised an eyebrow and didn’t uncross his arms.

Keith relented. “That there’s a time and place for everything, and that I shouldn’t be trying to run around the vents without my armor just to get away from an alien flu shot.”

“Better,” Shiro sighed. “You do realize how immature that little stunt was, right?”

“I don’t think that trying to get away from the unknown contents of a needle is all that unreasonable,” Keith argued.

“You hid in the _vents_.”

“I _panicked!_ ”

Shiro brought up a hand to his mouth in a vain attempt to hide his laughter.

“Seriously, Shiro?”

“You didn’t get seriously hurt, and Pidge agreed to take a look at what was in the needle to make sure it won’t hurt you.” Shiro shrugged. “The end result isn’t as bad as it could have been. Next time, just ask me to help mediate, instead of heading for the vents.”

“That’s not actu—”

The door slid open.

“Keith!”

It was Hunk.

Keith closed his eyes and internally cursed.

“Dude, Pidge just told me what happened, are you okay?” Hunk rushed over to the couch and then seemed at a loss for what to do, hands hovering over Keith’s head and the ice pack.

“I’m mostly fine. Hit my head, but the med bay said that there’s no lasting damage, just bruise. No concussion or anything.”

Hunk frowned. “Are you sure? You need to be careful with head injuries. My mom’s a nurse and she’s got a lot of stories of people who thought they didn’t have a concussion because they hadn’t passed out or whatever, but it turned out they did and then they only made it worse because they didn’t know until they ended up at the hospital.”

“I trust the med bay scans for something like this,” Keith said. “Not for the needle thing, because that’s Coran messing around and I don’t want to find out he accidentally remade some deadly virus from earth that we stamped out a century ago.”

“That’s fair,” Hunk said. “Uh… mind if I ask why you’re still in your Galra form?”

Keith blinked, and looked down at his hands. “I… huh. I forgot that I didn’t take the crystal out.”

Hunk smiled. “That’s a good thing. It means you’re getting even more comfortable with the Galra side of your heritage now, right?”

Keith considered that. “Yeah, I guess. That makes sense.”

They were silent for a moment, and then Hunk opened his arms wide and smile encouragingly.

“I… don’t think I can handle anything on my head right now,” Keith admitted. That was annoying. He liked the petting.

“Just a hug, then,” Hunk said, leaning forward a little. “C’mon, I know you like human contact more when you’re in this form.”

Keith was glad that the purple of his skin and the fine coating of fur on his face (minimal, compared to what many full Galra sported) hid his blush at least somewhat. He shifted until he was within hugging range, and grunted as Hunk pulled him bodily into his lap, turning him sideways into some kind of oddly comfortable cradle that let Hunk run a hand up and down his back.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Shiro said, amusement in his voice. Keith couldn’t see Shiro’s face from this angle, but he was sure that there was a smile on it.

Shiro’s footsteps left the room, the hiss of the sliding door marking his exit.

Keith could feel a purr building as Hunk continued to rub circles into his back through the jacket, but held it in.

“I’m not actually… I don’t like human contact _more_ like this,” Keith said after a long moment. “I just…it’s a lot easier than asking. All I have to do is change forms and sit in eyesight of Lance, and suddenly I’m getting hugged and, uh, pet. I can’t do that when I look human.”

Keith couldn’t see Hunk’s face, but he could feel Hunk’s hand stutter in its circles.

“Plus,” he continued, “I’d feel kind of uncomfortable asking as a human because then you don’t really… get anything out of it? I’d offer a massage or something but the one time I tried to give one to Shiro he kicked me out because my fingers were too bony and made his shoulders hurt _more_ , instead of less.”

“Keith, you don’t need to give something back for a _hug_ , dude.” Hunk moved his hand away from Keith’s back and maneuvered him around so that they were face to face, just inches apart. “You’re allowed to ask for hugs, okay? Unless I’m in the middle of something really important, feel free to ask me for a hug. Lance would probably tell you the same thing, and… I don’t know, Pidge gets weird about human contact sometimes, but ask her and see what she says? And I’m sure Shiro wouldn’t mind.”

“It’s… not something I feel like doing.” Keith looked to the side to avoid Hunk’s eyes.

“Look at me,” Hunk said, reaching up to squish Keith’s cheeks. “Are you uncomfortable with asking for hugs? And, like, physical affection in general?”

Keith closed his eyes and gave a tiny nod.

“Well, all you have to do is come within arm’s reach of me and look extra awkward, and I’ll give you a hug. Does that work?” Hunk asked.

“I guess?” Keith managed to say. He was having a lot of trouble _not_ looking down at Hunk’s lips. He wondered how soft they’d be on his own. He wondered if Hunk would actually kiss him back.

Hunk nodded, looking serious, then pulled Keith back to their earlier position, tucking Keith’s head under his chin.

“Your heart is beating really fast, dude,” Hunk said after a moment. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Fine,” Keith said shortly. Like hell he was going to tell Hunk the real reason his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest.

Twenty minutes later, Lance showed up to tell Hunk that Coran was looking for him so they could get dinner started. Hunk carefully shifted Keith out of his lap and got up to leave.

Keith watched Hunk leave with his chin pillowed on his arms on the back of the couch, ears facing forward to track the sound of Hunk’s footsteps as the door slid shut.

“Oh, _wow_ , that explains a lot.”

Keith blinked and turned his attention back to Lance, who still hadn’t left.

Hands tucked into his hoodie pockets, Lance threw himself down on the couch. “I was wondering why you got so touchy-feely around Hunk all the time. That look though… are you _crushing?_ ”

Keith studiously did not look at Lance.

“Oh my god, you _are_.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re crushing on my bestie, Keith. That means I have to give you a shovel talk.” Lance paused, thinking. “I should probably come up with a suitably threatening one first. Maybe Pidge has ideas.”

“Please _don’t_.”

“Too late! If you two get together, I need to have it ready.” Lance leaned back in his seat, tucking one hand behind his head and tapping a finger against his lips as he stared at the ceiling. “Now, let’s see…”

Keith cursed his gay little heart for how much that movement distracted him.

“Lance, can we not talk about this?” Keith said instead.

“Fiiiiiiiiiine,” Lance drawled. “I won’t talk about your crush on my bff.”

“ _Lance_.”

“Well, I guess I should leave you alone now,” Lance sighed dramatically, making a show of getting up and leaving. “I’ve got eternal cleaning duty, so… you know how it is.”

“I think this is the first time you haven’t gone all starry-eyed at the ears,” Keith said, in lieu of anything else.

“I had more important things to think about,” Lance pointed out, gesturing between Keith and the door that Hunk had left through. “So many wonderful possibilities, and I have to be ready for all of them.”

“Sure, Lance. If you say so.”

“Not gonna rile me up this time, Keith!” Lance laughed. “You’re just trying to hide the truth of your feelings, and that means you don’t really mean your insults. You’re just getting defensive because nobody likes being teased about their crush. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone except Pidge, so we can plot together.”

 _Pidge already knows_ , Keith thought, outwardly just pursing his lips and not saying anything as Lance strutted out the door.

He dropped his head into his hands and screamed internally.

 _Fuck_ , he was so gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the idea of Keith parkouring his way into the vents, okay.
> 
> EDIT: the whole "asexual with sexual anhedonia" thing is there because I happen to be an aroace person with sexual anhedonia. I've never, not once, seen it brought up in _anything_ , so I've decided to include it as a thing in fics.


	3. The Success

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grand finale to the most ridiculous plan a half-Galra boy could have asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for some OOC.

Pidge stared at him, utterly unimpressed.

“Stop giving me that look, Pidge.”

Pidge blinked, but otherwise did not move.

“I _know_ , but what else was I supposed to do? Tell him everything?”

“I can at least tell you,” Pidge said, snapping on a pair of clear gloves, “Two pieces of good news.”

“Let’s hear it, then.”

“The shot that Coran was going to give you should be fine. I tested it against a few blood samples, and it looks about as potent as any other immunization shot, which is to say: not very,” she said, opening up a plastic case to reveal a filled needle within.

“Joy,” Keith said, eyeing it warily. The needle gleamed in the light, and he didn’t like it.

“Give me your arm, Keith.”

 Keith clutched both arms closer to his chest for a moment. Pidge raised one eyebrow.

A pregnant silence filled the room, Pidge’s irritation visibly growing.

“Just give me your quiznaking arm!”

Keith immediately stuck out his arm, looking away from Pidge and the needle in her hands. It was, at least, a much smaller needle than the one that Coran had been planning to use.

Small comforts.

“Your bedside manner _sucks_.”

“Shut up.”

At one point, he felt sure that Pidge had let go of the needle and just left it hanging from his flesh like some demented bobblehead. When he looked, however, there was nothing but smooth, pale skin and a single drop of blood that was slowly growing larger.

“The second piece of good news that I have,” Pidge said as she picked up a bandaid to cover the tiny hole. She continued talking as she wiped off the blood and opened the little paper package. “Is that when Lance came to me to talk about how he could go about setting up you and Hunk—”

Keith groaned and planted his face in his free hand.

“—I managed to get him to tell me that he’s bi and Hunk’s pan, so lucky you, you don’t have to worry about incompatible orientations, you little gay murderball.”

“What the actual fuck did you just call me, Pidge?” Keith didn’t know whether to be offended or just amused. “And… are they okay with you outing them like this?”

“I checked with Lance; he said that they’re both fully out of the closet and don’t care who knows, so long as we’re not telling, like, a total stranger who’d try to kill them for it. So, you know, tell whoever so long as it’s within reason. The only reason we didn’t already know is that it never came up.”

She kicked back in her rolling chair to dig something out of a cupboard that Keith didn’t recognize. “Feeling better now that you know that?”

“Uh… kind of?”

“And you didn’t even cry when I stabbed you!” Pidge clapped her hands together and gave him a mocking smile.

“Quiznak you, Pidge.”

“Ew, no.”

Keith rolled his eyes as Pidge rolled away. “Sometimes I forget you’re fourteen, and then you act like the bratty younger sibling I’ve been told you are.”

Pidge threw a bundle of gauze at him. “Get out of my med bay, Texas.”

“Are we _seriously bringing that back?”_

o.o.o.o.o

Keith paused as he passed by one of the common rooms. He could just barely make out the sight of Lance’s feet hanging off the edge of one couch. He quietly walked into the room, circling the couch to find Lance lying on his stomach, face buried in a pillow.

“Lance?”

Keith didn’t _mean_ to startle Lance, but that nonetheless appeared to be the final result.

Lance yelped and flinched, rolling over a little. It was further into the couch and away from the edge, at least, so he didn’t fall onto the floor.

He looked up at Keith from under one arm, and it was enough for Keith to see red-rimmed eyes before Lance dropped his arm over them.

“Don’t _do_ that!” Lance whined. “Stop sneaking up on me!”

“I’ll try not to,” Keith said as flatly as he could manage. He crouched down next to Lance and hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you… okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“…you look like you’ve been crying,” Keith pointed out.

“I said I’m _fine_ , Keith.” Lance’s voice turned just the slightest bit aggressive, but he didn’t move.

“Okay,” Keith said quietly. Unsure of what else to do, he moved to sit on the ground, back to the couch and to Lance.

_I’m here, but I won’t intrude if you don’t want me to._

That was the message he was trying to get across, anyway.

He nearly fell asleep, truth be told, as he waited for Lance to do anything other than wriggle about the couch and ignore him.

Eventually, he felt a hand start playing with the locks of hair at the nape of his neck. He said nothing, just moved a hand back to pull his hair out from between his back and the couch.

Lance’s hand didn’t go back to playing with his hair.

“It’s fine,” Keith said, trying to figure out the right way to say this. He felt a blush come over his face, and was more than a little glad that Lance couldn’t see it. “I just wanted to, uh, make it easier. Keep it from getting tugged the wrong way.”

He dropped the line there, embarrassed.

It took a few more seconds before Lance’s hand returned to playing with Keith’s hair.

“…I don’t actually mind the mullet that much,” Lance said quietly. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s old-fashioned and dumb, but you totally rock it.”

“Thanks?” Keith managed to say, feeling the red in his face grow stronger.

“You’re welcome.”

Keith curled in on himself a little, unable to help the smile on his face. So for all of his trash talk, Lance actually liked Keith’s hair. That was… nice to know.

It was a while yet until Lance spoke again.

“Keith?”

“Mm?”

“Do you ever miss your family?”

Keith felt his breath catch in his throat.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to!” Lance rushed out the words, clearly noticing that he’d said something a little awkward, at minimum. “I mean, I know it might be a weird situation, given the whole Galra thing and the knife and—”

“I don’t remember my mom,” Keith said, cutting him off. “And I haven’t seen my dad since a few years before I joined the Garrison. I never knew much about my mom, and my dad seemed more or less normal. I want to say that I miss them, but no more than I would if I were still in the shack, or in classes or something. The foster families I had before the Garrison are… mostly nonentities in my mind, honestly. Just temporary homes and all that. Nice enough people, but not family.”

“Oh,” Lance said, with a note in his voice like he found that unbearably sad somehow.

“I’m guessing that you’re feeling homesick again?” Keith prompted.

“Yeah,” Lance said, but didn’t continue. He kept playing with Keith’s hair, though, which was probably a good sign.

“Tell me about them,” Keith said after a moment. “Your parents and siblings or whatever.”

“Oh man,” Lance said, and then he started talking a mile a minute. Keith followed along as best as he could, and turned around as soon as Lance’s hand left his hair, which was almost immediately. Keith started off sitting criss-cross, but quickly pulled his knees up higher and wrapped his arms around them. It was easier to hide the smile and blush on his face that way.

Lance was a _very_ animated speaker when the subject was something he cared about (and even when it wasn’t), and that applied even when he was flat on his back and mostly staring at the ceiling with a wistful grin, gesturing wildly as he described a prank by a cousin or his mother’s paella.

He was very nice to watch.

“Uh, guys?”

Keith lifted his head to look at the other entrance, the one that was out past Lance’s head, at ninety degrees from the one he’d entered from personally. Lance had to sit up and twist all the way around to see it.

Hunk jabbed a thumb into the air over his shoulder. “Dinner’s ready.”

“Shit, really?” Lance rolled to his feet, narrowly avoiding Keith. “What time is it?”

“Dinner time,” Hunk said. “How long have you guys been talking?”

“An hour and a half?” Keith hedged. “I got here a few hours ago, but we’ve been talking for only half of that.”

“Right,” Hunk said, shaking his head. “Anyway, I think I managed to make an approximation of French Onion Soup? So, like, if you’re a fan—”

“Get out!” Lance said, hands clenched into giddy fists under his chin. “Are you serious?”

“Um… yeah?”

“Sweet!” Lance whooped, running up to Hunk and giving him a hug. He dashed off towards the dining room, leaving Hunk and Keith alone in the room.

“Keith,” Hunk grabbed his attention. “I… saw the way you were looking at Lance while he was talking.”

Shit.

“I mean, I’ve figured it was a thing for a while, but I wasn’t really sure until just now?” Hunk wrung his hands, and Keith let his own gaze drop to the ground, knowing it wouldn’t do much to help hide the burning that was rising in his face _again._ “So, you just… you really like him, don’t you?”

Keith gave a tiny nod, hands clenched into fists at his side.

“Okay, um… just don’t hurt him, and I’ll help you get together with him!” Hunk’s voice was bright and cheery. “I’m glad you’re finally getting along, and if that means a burgeoning romance…”

“Can we please stop talking about this?” Keith asked, grasping for straws.

“Sure, sure. Come to me if you need help, though!” Hunk took a step out the door. “And don’t forget to come to dinner once you’re not blushing, okay?”

He left.

Keith buried his face in his hands and resisted the urge to scream.

o.o.o.o.o

Pidge wouldn’t stop laughing.

“Shut up!”

“Hell no, this is _hilarious_.”

Keith buried his face in Shiro’s pillow and screamed.

“I’m sure it’ll all work out fine,” Shiro said, his smile downright audible. “Just keep up with the—”

“Asshole Cat Syndrome plan?” Pidge asked innocently.

“Bingo.”

“No, not bingo,” Keith snapped, sitting up and glaring at both of them.

“I mean, you’re closer to your goal than you were a month ago,” Pidge pointed out, straddling Shiro’s chair and swiveling from side to side. “So _something_ clearly worked.”

“Besides,” Shiro said, “Now that they know at least _part_ of what’s going on, that ups the chances that they’ll come to one of us for advice.”

“In which case we have the opportunity to push them subtly in the right direction!” Pidge threw her hands into the air like an explosion. “I mean, Lance already asks Shiro for advice sometimes, and Hunk and I talk a lot.”

“…but you’re a little shit,” Keith said, throwing Pidge’s own words back at her.

“I promise to be less of a little shit than usual about this,” Pidge said, hand to her heart.

“…you’re already so short, though, can you afford to get lesser than you already a—”

Pidge leaped for Keith, grabbed Shiro’s pillow when he dodged, and proceeded to attack him with it. “Take it back! I’m not short, just growing!”

“Matt and your dad were both pretty short, though,” Shiro said, smiling a little wider at Pidge’s look of betrayal. “It likely runs in the family.”

“Traitor!” Pidge yelled, attacking Shiro instead.

Keith let himself slump back against a wall. Well, at least he knew he had people in his corner that he could fall back on in case he got rejected by one or both of his crushes. Pidge wasn’t as good as Hunk in the kitchen, but she knew chemistry as well as any other random science she’d tucked into her repertoire, and since they had Kaltenecker to provide milk, and sugar was a fairly common commodity, and there was flavoring to find…

Well, Pidge could probably synthesize ice cream, if she and Hunk hadn’t already done so. Sad single “sobbing into ice cream” time was entirely possible.

o.o.o.o.o

“Keith?” Allura said one day, approaching him after training. “If I could speak with you a moment?”

 Keith glanced at Shiro as the other paladins filed out, but only got a shrug in response. He turned back to Allura. “Yeah?”

“Take a seat,” she said, gesturing at the benches near the door, doing so herself. She kept her hands folded in her lap, and looking every bit as regal as she did in her day gown, despite being in a battle suit meant for training. “I would like to speak with you regarding a… not-so-recent development regarding your interactions with some of the team.”

Keith had a bad feeling.

“Lance recently approached me to ask me whether there were any rules about inter-paladin romances,” she said.

Bad feeling confirmed.

“When I asked why he was interested in such an issue, he told me that he believed you had romantic feelings for Hunk.” Allura’s fingers went tap-tap-tap against her knee. “Which I found rather strange, but accepted. However, Hunk came to me just a few days later to ask me the same question, as he believed that you had romantic feelings for Lance.”

Bad feeling executed.

“Keith? What is going on?”

Keith looked away from Allura, out at the training deck. “I like both of them. Neither of them have realized it. I… don’t want to put pressure on them, so I haven’t been as direct as I could have been. They have a really strong friendship, and they’d be risking that if they entered into a three-way romantic relationship with me, so… I don’t want to put that on them. I’ve mostly just been trying to show them that I like them in ways that might make them realize on their own so that they can choose on their own whether to reciprocate or not, without me putting them on the spot.”

“I’d wondered why you were so much more affectionate with those two, as opposed to everyone else,” Allura mused. “Though you occasionally seem more keen on getting in the way than in simply showing that affection.”

“…that was Shiro’s idea,” Keith said, unilaterally placing the blame elsewhere. “He thought it would… never mind.”

“I see,” Allura said, in a tone that implied she very much did not. “And what do you plan to do in this regard?”

“Honestly, I’m hoping one of them goes to Pidge or Shiro for advice and gets a hint? So that they can talk to each other about it without me being there to… add to the pressure or whatever.” Keith shrugged, uncomfortable. “I guess that might be a bit… cowardly or whatever, but it’s the best I can come up with. If it was just _one_ , I’d be a lot more comfortable with approaching them about it, but since I like both of them, and they aren’t already in an established relationship, it’s just weird. I don’t know how to go about it.”

“That does make some more sense than what I was considering,” Allura said. “I have informed them both that inter-paladin relationships are not forbidden, but should be approached with care, as a messy ending could result in problems with forming Voltron.”

Keith winced. Yeah, he’d figured that much out himself.

“I wish you luck, then.” Allura stood up, nodded a goodbye, and left.

Keith once more felt the urge to bury his face in his hands and groan.

Half the castle knew, if not more, since he wasn’t ruling out the mice spying or Coran being more perceptive than usual, and Keith still had no idea if this was all even going to work out at all.

“Quiznak.”

o.o.o.o.o

 _Just act like an asshole cat_ , Keith told himself.

Lance and Hunk were sitting together on the couch, side by side. Or, well, almost. Lance was sitting sideways, curled up with his feet on the cushions and using Hunk’s right side as a backrest, while Hunk was sitting normally, hunched over to work on his computer. Lance, rather, was knitting something.

 _Asshole cat_ , Keith repeated.

God, this was going to be humiliating.

He walked into the room, drawing both their attention almost immediately.

“Hey, Keith,” Hunk said, face brightening in a way that made Keith feel better just by looking at him. “What are you doing down he—”

Keith wordlessly moved Hunk’s hands out of the way to take a seat in his lap, and then draped himself over Lance’s shoulders.

He was not in Galra form, which honestly made this a departure from anything even approaching normal, and normal was already pretty confusing.

“Uh…” Hunk hesitantly patted his back. “Hi?”

“Hi,” Keith replied, shifting to hook his chin over Lance’s shoulder and moving his hands down to link around Lance’s waist instead of the somewhat uncomfortable over-the-shoulder thing he’d been doing. He closed his eyes, pressed his cheek to Lance’s, nuzzling a bit, and hoped that his face wasn’t burning red yet.

Hunk hesitantly tucked his right arm under Keith’s torso to pull him into a half-hug, rubbing circles into Keith’s back with his left hand.

“Keith, buddy, your chin is kind of uncomfortable,” Lance said after a long moment. “Could you… move that?”

Keith considered for a second, then changed positions so that the side of his face was pressed into Lance’s back. The clicking of Lance’s needles picked up again.

They stayed that way for a bit, warm and comfy.

“Hey, Keith?” Hunk said after a few minutes, hand slowing. “I actually do have work to do, so…”

Keith cracked one eye open, trying to get a better look at Hunk.

He wanted to move and make things easier, but he also really didn’t want to leave.

“Here, let me just—” Lance started moving, jostling Keith until he had to sit up a little more fully. Lance ended up facing forward, sitting on the sofa like a normal person, and patted his lap. He was sat two or three feet further away than he had been. “Here, lie down. I can knit over your head without any problem, and I think Hunk is tall enough that, if you plant your ass or hips in the space between us, he can lean over your legs to type.”

“Yeah, that should work,” Hunk said, and Keith obliged. It did mean he wouldn’t be getting the backrub or whatever, but he’d still be getting the hugs he’d come down for in the first place.

It all felt incredibly domestic to Keith, as he enjoyed the warmth and listened to Lance’s clicking needles and Hunk’s tapping keys.

Somehow, neither of them questioned any of this aloud.

If neither of them picked this up as a hint, Keith might have actually tried to do something even more drastic. Like telling them.

o.o.o.o.o

“I bring good tidings!”

Pidge slammed the door shut behind her, grinning at Keith and Shiro like she’d just won the lottery.

Keith blinked at her. He was sitting on the bed, and Shiro was leaning against the desk, so it was entirely viable for Pidge to take the desk chair. Nonetheless, she went to sit on Keith’s bed anyway.

“Well, aren’t you gonna ask?” She bounced her eyebrows up and down, still grinning.

“What happened?” Keith sighed.

“They figured it out!” Pidge said, throwing her hands into the air. “Praise the lord or whomever you so choose, they finally figured out that you’ve been flirting with both of them in your own weird way for months!”

Keith’s insides felt like lead. “Oh no.”

“Oh _yes_.” Pidge got off the bed, taking a stance with her feet shoulder-width apart and on hand on her hip, the other jabbing a finger into Keith’s face. “They were arguing with each other, actually. Hunk kept insisting that you like Lance, and Lance kept insisting that you like Hunk, and then they came to me to settle the debate, like we were back at the Garrison all over again!”

“And?” Shiro prompted, once it was clear that Keith wasn’t going to.

“And I told them to think about it for a bit. That if you’d admitted, directly or indirectly, to liking both of them within a fairly short period of time, and had been aggressively affectionate for several months to both of them in a way that was more or less equal in terms of quantity of affection, and so on, then there was probably something going on there.”

“Oh no,” Keith repeated.

“I’m pretty sure they’ve figured it out by now,” Pidge said cheerily, hopping onto the desk and swinging her legs back and forth. “And that means that, soon enough, someone’s going to ask you what the hell is going on, and you can actually get a boyfriend or two out of the deal.”

“Pidge,” Shiro said, voice full of exasperation, like he couldn’t pinpoint, in the moment, just what Pidge was doing wrong, only that there was _something._

“How long?” Keith asked. “How long until they…”

Pidge shrugged. “Couple of hours at the most, if we don’t get attacked or something. If you want to hide, I’d suggest the vents again.”

Keith looked up at Shiro’s ceiling, considering.

“No,” Shiro said. “You already know that it’s dangerous, Keith.”

“Doesn’t stop me,” Pidge muttered, rolling her eyes.

“ _What._ ”

Pidge froze, staring at Shiro like a deer in the headlights. She whispered, “Oh, quiznak.”

Keith didn’t even pay attention to Shiro’s dadlike interrogation of Pidge’s apparently frequent ventilation system spelunking habits.

He was too busy panicking on the inside.

o.o.o.o.o

Keith avoided Hunk and Lance for most of the day. He told himself that he was giving them space, in the moments he didn’t feel like admitting that it was cowardice that drove his choice.

 _They’ll come to me,_ he told himself. If they wanted to talk, then they’d come to him.

He was right.

Keith was sitting alone in his room when they found him, cleaning a knife with the lights at half strength. He still preferred his bayard and his Blade of Marmora to other weapons, of course, but he’d found himself collecting sharp, shiny pieces of weaponry as they made their way through the universe anyway.

The door slid open just as he’d pulled his newest acquisition into his lap to inspect.

“Uh, Keith?” Lance said, eyeing the knife with something approaching concern. “Can we talk for a moment?”

Keith blinked at him, then looked back down at the knife. “Give me a sec.”

The knife could wait. He put it away, and disappeared into the bathroom for a moment to wash his hands of the things he usually used when maintaining his weapons. He came back to find Lance and Hunk huddled together and whispering.

Keith shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down and to the side as the whispering stopped. The situation was awkward enough already; he didn’t want to see their faces.

“So, uh… Pidge told me you figured it out.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say, but at least this opened up the subject to discussion.

“We _think_ we have,” Hunk clarified. “Pidge wouldn’t give us a straight answer on anything, just kept pushing us towards certain conclusions and dropping hints.”

“Can you _tell_ us?” Lance asked carefully. “The talk with Pidge made it seem like you probably didn’t want to talk about it before because you thought it would put us on the spot, but…”

“Basically,” Keith muttered, shoulders inching higher. “It’s… your friendship is really important to both of you. I’d be asking a lot and in a very bad way if I tried to do anything direct.”

“You like us both,” Hunk said after a moment. “Romantically?”

Keith felt himself turn redder and nodded with small, jerking movements. He didn’t look up.

There was silence for a few moments, and then Keith heard Lance and Hunk come closer. He tensed despite himself, looking up.

They both looked oddly determined.

“Tell me to stop if I make you uncomfortable,” Lance said.

Keith blinked. “What?”

Lance rolled his eyes and moved first, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Keith’s cheek. His hands came to rest on Keith’s shoulders, thumbs brushing up a few inches on his neck. Keith froze for a moment, and then Lance pulled away just enough for his lips to graze against Keith’s face as he moved to press their lips together.

It was chaste, and short, and Keith was still somehow dazed when Lance pulled away.

“Get it?”

“…um.” Keith couldn’t think. His eyes flickered to Hunk, suddenly worried that there was going to be a problem _there,_ and if Lance liked Keith while Hunk just wanted to stay friends it would be the exact kind of awkwardness that Keith had been trying to avoid _in the first place_ , and—

Hunk leaned forward and pressed his lips to Keith’s too. There was more pressure than with Lance, but it was just as chaste, and—

“Oh,” Keith said as Hunk pulled away. “Okay.”

He frowned, “But your friendshi—”

Lance cut off Keith’s complaint by dragging Hunk into a kiss of their own.

“Ah,” Keith said, watching for the moment. The kiss lasted even shorter than the ones he’d gotten. His eyes flicked between the two of them. “So…”

“We decided to, as Pidge put it, risk ruining our friendship,” Hunk said with a small smile. One of his hands stayed wrapped around Lance’s waist. “I’m not going to pretend I’d never considered it before, but we were both content enough with being friends that we never really had a reason to change things.”

“You’re giving us a reason, and we don’t mind taking that chance,” Lance summarized. He held a hand out at Keith. “So?”

Keith felt words lodge in his throat, because as much as he’d been hoping for this ending, he hadn’t actually _expected_ it. He had a feeling that he looked pretty dumb right now, mouth open but no words coming out, confused and embarrassed and with a tiny bubble of hope growing in his chest.

“Keith?” Lance asked, worry crowding his brow. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” he said, feeling the redness crawling up his cheeks. “Just peachy. You’re… you’re serious about this.”

“Definitely,” Hunk promised. He held out his own hand, hovering in the air just next to Lance’s, and waited.

Keith felt dumb, reaching out to take their hands. The theatricality of the whole thing felt so _dumb_ , but… he couldn’t bring himself to mock it too much, even internally. Lance and Hunk had put too much effort into making it clear that they wanted what he wanted, and giving him the choice to take them up on that offer.

The second his hands touched theirs, they yanked him forward and sandwiched him in a hug.

Keith grunted as his head crashed softly into Hunk’s chest. “You assholes.”

“You love us,” Lance’s voice was smug, and his breath ghosted over Keith’s ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

Lance wasn’t wrong, either.

Keith ignored him, instead choosing to melt into the hug and wrap his arms, however hesitantly, around Hunk. Lance pressed tightly against him from behind, as if just the pressure of his chest on Keith’s back would convince Keith of how much he meant his earlier words.

Lance pressed a kiss to Keith’s neck, just behind and below his ear. Keith froze, inhaling sharply.

“Something wrong?” Hunk asked immediately.

“Did I go too fast?” Lance’s voice overlapped with Hunk’s, his own response quick.

“No, no, I just… I realized. Um. Something.” Keith dropped one hand down to his pocket, not quite reaching for his crystal, but definitely ready to do so.

“Yeah?” Hunk prompted, one hand coming up to tuck a lock of Keith’s hair behind his ear.

(Hunk was too good for him, Keith thought. Too good for almost anyone.)

“I don’t know if… I just want to know that both are…” He couldn’t figure out how to put it into words, so he just grabbed the crystal and hung on, tilting his head back and away to look Hunk in the eyes as the Galra form overtook his own. He felt both Hunk and Lance’s arms tighten around him as it happened, surprise and understanding crossing into Hunk’s expression.

“Oh,” Lance said softly, which was all Keith could gather from him as a reaction.

Keith toyed with the words before tossing them out. “Be careful of the teeth, but… kiss me? Like this?’

“Of course,” Hunk whispered, and then leaned in and pressed his lips to Keith’s again. He let it last longer than the one before, tilting his head to deepen it after a moment. Keith’s eyelids fluttered shut, and he hummed a little in response. He jolted in surprise when Hunk opened his mouth a little, but all it lead to was the wetter parts of their lips brushing, no teeth involved, so he enjoyed it instead of worrying.

 Hunk finally pulled away and finished his thought, “You’re still Keith.”

“Hey, my turn!” Lance protested, his pout audible. He rubbed the side of his face against Keith’s head, just behind his large, furry ears. “I want a kiss from you when you’re this damn cute too!”

Keith’s ears flicked downward, and he tried to hide his smile, despite the dimness of the room and the fact that he was in the presence of two people he absolutely should have felt comfortable smiling around.

“Keith,” Lance whined dramatically, “Kiss me!”

And then, Lance being Lance, he giggled.

“You fucking dork,” Keith muttered as he turned around, because he had a reputation to keep up, if only somewhat. The movement was a little awkward due how closely they were all standing, but he managed it.

“Kisses!” Lance insisted, grinning.

Keith rolled his eyes, but obliged.

Lance’s lips were softer than Hunk’s, which wasn’t all that much of a surprise. His kissing was also more…insistent. Energetic was probably a good word for it. He kept changing angles and pressures.

He brought one hand up to scratch behind Keith’s ear. Keith’s mouth fell a little more open at that, moaning at the sudden combination of sensations, which Lance took as an opportunity to slip his tongue into Keith’s mouth.

Keith immediately pushed him away.

“Wha—”

“Teeth, Lance. I told you to be careful about the teeth for a _reason_.”

Lance pouted. “C’mon, just touching or pressing against them isn’t gonna be enough to cut the skin. There’s still gotta be, like, a minimum amount of pressure or something, right?”

Keith frowned. “I still don’t… just… not while I’m Galra, okay? Not yet.”

“Okay,” Lance said after a moment. “You wanna drop the crystal so we can make out on the bed, then? Or is that moving too fast?”

“Lance,” Hunk hissed.

“What?”

Keith felt his irritation melt away in favor of fond exasperation. This was what he had chosen. These dorks. They were his.

He let go of the crystal, taking his hand out of his pocket so he could grab both of the others. He walked backwards to the bed and sat down, quietly indicating that he definitely did not mind Lance’s suggestion.

Lance grinned and, instead of taking a seat next to Keith as expected, straddled him.

“Mine now!” He practically chirped the words, lacing his hands together behind Keith’s neck and peppering his face with kisses all over.

He ended with a grin and kiss to Keith’s lips before pressing their foreheads together, smiling.

“Ours,” Hunk corrected, sitting in a way that left him pressed up to their sides, his right leg folded under him and pressed warmly against Keith’s back, and his left hanging off the bed. It left him with his crotch just a few inches from the side of Keith’s ass, but given the distance and the layers of fabric, and how risqué Lance’s position was, Keith didn’t really mind.

Hunk pressed his lips to Keith’s neck, his hair, his temple, everything he could reach that Lance wasn’t already taking care of.

Keith wasn’t entirely sure what to do, so he just kept his hands on Lance’s hips and turned his head a little towards Hunk to give him better access. He tried to kiss back a few times, but if he went for one, then the other would tsk at him and pull him back to be shared again.

“We haven’t talked boundaries, yet,” Hunk said after a while of the shared kisses. “I mean, we’re obviously not going to go all the way when we only just agreed to date, but—”

Keith felt something inside him twist a little, a tightness near his heart that wouldn’t go. “I can’t… I mean, I _could_ , but I don’t—”

“Hm?” Lance stopped kissing him for a moment, just pressed their foreheads together again and prompted Keith for an answer.

“You can tell us,” Hunk said, resting his head on Keith’s, his temple pressing down on black, black hair.

“I can’t feel sexual pleasure,” Keith blurted out. “I mean, I can have sex? Technically? And orgasm? But I don’t feel anything from it like most people do, so it’s just awkward and uncomfortable.”

“No sex, then?” Lance asked. “Or… how do you want to play this?”

“I want to make you two feel good?” Keith bit his lip, hands digging a little more into the flesh behind Lance’s hips. “But I wouldn’t feel anything from orgasming, so… I don’t know. I could do it, once we got to that point, but I’d want you to know that there _is_ no point, for me. It wouldn’t be any more or less good for me than just kissing would. I’d be happy because you were happy, and I’d love to, uh, see your… big O faces… if you’re okay with that… but I don’t want you trying to worry about me orgasming, since it won’t do anything for me anyways.”

Lance looked disappointed. “But I wanted to make you feel good.”

“I’m s—”

“Nah-uh, no apologies.” Lance drew back and wagged a finger in Keith’s face, close enough to make Keith go cross-eyed.

“Just tell us what we can do instead,” Hunk said. “I mean, I’m pretty sure Lance’s whole issue here is that he wants you to feel nice when we get to that point. It’s not fair to you if we get all the fun.”

“Kissing is enough, though.” Keith blinked a little, tilting his head. “I know it probably sounds a little weird to you, since you’re probably used to orgasms being the ultimate hormone release or whatever, but I’d really just want to help you get to that point.”

“Well _yeah_ , but…” Hunk trailed off. He was probably frowning, Keith thought.

“But what can we do to make you feel good?” Lance pressed. “Like, it doesn’t have to be sexual, okay, and I know sex isn’t going to come up for a while _anyway_ , since we aren’t anywhere near ready emotionally, and we don’t even have protection or anything, but… just… what can we do?”

Keith blinked owlishly again, then flushed. “Um.”

“Um?”

“I mean, right now I’d like to stick to the kissing, but when we’re not doing that,” he winced a little, and muttered “…the petting really _does_ feel nice…” A heartbeat of a pause. “And it releases the same hormones, just in much smaller levels, so… I guess that? Not when we’re kissing or whatever, just… sometimes.”

Lance grinned. “Okay, I can work with that. Hunk?”

“It’s basically what we’ve been doing for the past few weeks, so… definitely,” Hunk said, punctuating the sentence with an open-mouthed kiss that lasted much longer than the teasing ones he and Lance had been giving Keith so far.

Keith brought up a hand when Hunk went to pull away, not letting him get more than an inch or two away. He stared into Hunk’s eyes, and was a little surprised to note that, when he spoke, his voice was deeper than before.

“Lance said that the three of us were going to make out,” he said as bluntly as he could, and took pleasure in seeing how Hunk’s pupils, already blown wide, seemed to grow even larger. “All you two have been doing so far is teasing.”

 Hunk licked his lips, seeming almost nervous, and then dove back into the kiss. His arms came around to maneuver Keith into a less awkward position, then came to a rest at his hip and in his hair. Keith brought his arms up to wrap around Hunk’s neck, smiling into the repeated kisses he was getting.

Lance apparently decided it was time to go back to just kissing Keith wherever he could reach, mostly on his neck and against his hair. He then started sucking and biting lightly on Keith’s neck, slowly working his way across the skin

It probably wouldn’t bruise, but Keith was pretty sure the redness of irritated skin wouldn’t fade by dinnertime. Damn it. The others were going to see.

Hunk finally pulled away again, and snorted out a laugh at Keith’s slightly embarrassing whine of protest.

“I was going to suggest we lie down and cuddle, but if you have a better idea…” he trailed off, eyebrow raised.

“Keith gets to go Galra!” Lance tossed in. “Fuzzy cuddles are good cuddles, especially now that we know why you were so insistent on the two of us.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Keith let his head fall back with an annoyed groan. “That was all Shiro’s idea. He called it ‘Asshole Cat Syndrome.’”

The other two were quiet for a moment.

“A lot of things suddenly make much more sense than they did a minute ago,” Lance decided. “But seriously, kissing or cuddles? I can’t decide.”

“Why not both?” Keith asked.

“Because you freaked out about the teeth, remember?” Lance poked him on the nose.

“So make out with Hunk.” Keith shrugged. “I’m sure you can multitask enough to both cuddle and kiss at the same time.”

Lance pouted again. “Keith…”

“Lance…” Keith mimicked him, leaning against Hunk and smiling. “Make your decision. I’m fine either way.”

“Cuddles usually involve lazy kissing, I think,” Hunk offered. “Not making out, sure, but still kisses.”

“Fine,” Lance drawled, slumping against Keith. “Be lazy, then.”

Hunk seemed to take that as permission to grab them both as he pushed himself back and lay down with his back to the wall. Lance squirmed until he and Keith weren’t lying on Hunk’s leg anymore, but were all three packed into the bed like sardines in a can, with Keith in the middle.

“I don’t know if the bed is big enough for all three of us,” Keith said after a moment. “Lance is about to fall off.”

“I want to argue, but it’s true,” Lance admitted. “I’m kinda clinging to Hunk right now.”

Given that Lance’s elbow was digging into Keith’s chest, he was fully aware of this fact.

“Okay, let me… just…” Hunk grunted a bit as he shifted about. “Lance, could you stand for a moment?”

“Uh, yeah? What are you—oooooh.”

Hunk moved so that he was lying on his back, and then just picked up Keith and laid him on top of himself. Keith managed to keep himself from squawking in surprise, at least, even as he ended up chest to chest with Hunk, head tucked up under his chin _again_ due to the height difference. He curled his own hands up to his chest, taking up as little space as possible. Lance climbed back onto the bed, squirming in as close as he could and using Hunk’s left arm and shoulder as a pillow.

Hunk’s right hand came up and started carding through Keith’s hair. It didn’t feel quite as good as when he was in Galra form, but it was still calming enough for him to close his eyes and relax against Hunk.

“Keith,” Lance whispered, and Keith felt another hand, smaller than Hunk’s, start playing with his hair. “Oi, Mullet.”

“What?” Keith grunted, opening one eye.

Lance grinned up at him, eyes sparkling. “Ears?”

Keith let his eye close again. “Too much effort.”

“Then I’ll do it,” Lance said, reaching down and digging through Keith’s pocket for the Balmera crystal. Keith rolled his eyes, even though they were closed, and opened the hand closest to Lance just enough to accept the crystal.

He couldn’t help but open his eyes again to see Lance’s expression as he went Galra, because there was something incredibly comforting about how innocently excited Lance got about the ears.

“So cute,” Lance whispered, reaching up to play with Keith’s ears.

It was dumb, but… so was everything else about what he was doing and saying tonight, so…

“No kiss?” Keith asked, quirking one eyebrow.

Lance lurched up just enough press a kiss to Keith’s lips, and then let himself fall back to the bed. “Can’t stay up. Too much effort. Not happening.”

Keith huffed out a laugh and closed his eyes. “Sure, Lance.”

o.o.o.o.o

“Fucking finally,” Pidge said.

Keith wanted to cover his face with one hand, but given that Hunk and Lance had each claimed one of his hands as they all walked into the dining room together, he settled for shooting Pidge a glare.

With how red his cheeks felt, it probably wasn’t as intimidating as usual. Pidge’s amused snort certainly seemed to indicate such.

“I’m glad it all worked out alright,” Allura said with a smile.

“Stay safe,” Shiro added, his own smile just a shade too innocent.

“I’m going to set your bed on fire,” Keith told him, only a little serious. “I honestly will. There’s not even a question about it at this point, I will _gladly_ set your bed on fire.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“No destroying Castle property,” Allura reminded them. “Now, take a seat, all of you. Coran’s making dinner, since Hunk was… busy.”

Even that news, Keith found, wasn’t enough to dim his spirits.

(The food itself, however, would be. Keith later decided that _maybe_ it would be a good idea to avoid stealing Hunk away from dinner preparations in the future.)

Whatever.

He’d still somehow found his way into a relationship with _two_ of the most amazing people he’d ever met, even if he had to act like an asshole cat to get there.

“Oh, dude, I just realized,” Lance said, actually sounding somewhat surprised. “Does this make me a yiffer?”

Keith slowly put his face in his hands, and gave a quiet, strangled scream.

“Lance, why?” Hunk asked.

“I’m serious!”

“If you say that again,” Keith growled out, lifting his head to glare at Lance and dropping into an accent he’d trained himself out of years ago, and then exaggerated as much as he could just to piss off Lance. “Then Imma start talkin’ like I just hopped out the bed of a banged-up ’68 Chevy to start unloadin’ the horse feed, and y’all ain’t ever gon’ hear the end of it.”

“…I…” Lance’s face turned very red. “I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear what’s going through my mind, because that is suddenly _not_ sounding like a bad idea for some reason.”

Keith dropped his head to the table with a clang, ignoring the annoyed groans and amused chuckles that surrounded him. “God fucking dammit, Lance. You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“Aw, you think I’m cute!”

“We’re _already dating, Lance!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a couple people talk about wanting to be linked if there's any fanart, but uh... I... don't really get fanart. I think I've gotten maybe three pieces of fanart for my fics in the past year and change, and one of those was for a holiday event. If y'all want to see fanart, then... I don't even know. Suggest the fic to an artist you think might get inspired? Draw it yourself? Commission someone? IDK I'm not going to be much help here.
> 
> If anyone DOES do fanart, I'd love to be informed, and I'll gladly share with the class. I'm just not the kind of writer who gets a lot of art for her fics, so there's probably not going to be much to share in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone did fanart!  
> http://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/161703769355/itsnotmydreamdaditsyours-dreamworks-let


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